I learned what loneliness meant the moment I stood beside my daughter’s casket and realized my own sister had chosen balloons over burial.
Nancy was seven years old. The crash had been eight days ago.
Seven.
Our neighbors filled the pews. Her second-grade teacher sat in the front row.
Nancy was seven years old.
Two police officers stood near the back, hats in their hands.
Nancy’s best friend held a sunflower that trembled in her grip.
My family wasn’t there. Not my mother, not my cousins, and not my sister, Rosie.
I kept glancing at the doors anyway, expecting them to open at the last minute. Expecting my older sister to rush in, breathless and ashamed.
She never did.
My family wasn’t there.
After the burial, I lingered by Nancy’s grave long after the last handful of earth had landed. The pastor left quietly.
Mrs. Calder from next door broke the stillness, pressing a warm casserole dish into my arms.
“You promise you’ll eat, Cassie?”
“I will. Thank you, Mrs. Calder.”
She squeezed my hand. “You call me if you need anything. I mean it. I’ll miss your little girl more than I can say.”
I nodded, but my throat felt tight, and I couldn’t find words that would matter.
“You promise you’ll eat, Cassie?”
Back home, I set the casserole on the counter and looked around the kitchen. Nancy’s rainbow magnets were still on the fridge. Her shoes were by the door, toes pointing out as if she might run in at any moment.
I found myself talking aloud, the house too quiet otherwise.
“Did you see how many sunflowers they brought, Nance? You would have liked that.”
The kettle’s whistle startled me. I poured tea, only to realize I’d made two cups by habit.
My phone rang. I hesitated, hoping, against all reason, it might be my mother, ready to break the family silence.
I found myself talking aloud.
It was Rosie.
Her voice came through loud, forced-bright. The sound didn’t belong in my house today — too cheerful, too normal — like someone laughing in a hospital hallway.
“Cass, you sound tired. I wanted to let you know we moved the housewarming to today. The weather was too perfect to pass up. You know how hard it is to get everyone together.”
Hearing my sister’s voice, my fingers went cold around the phone, remembering how she’d rushed me out the door a week earlier — “Take Maple, it’s faster, Cassie” — before I could even finish packing Nancy’s snack.
“Today… was Nancy’s funeral.”
“You know how hard it is to get everyone together.”The pastor said her name gently, as if it might shatter in his house. I kept my hands folded in front of me because if I reached forward and touched the polished wood again, I was afraid I wouldn’t let go.